FREE THE BEAST!

So I took a little break.  Alright, okay, I took a big break.  This is my first blog post in exactly one year.  It’s time.

(Opens door to cryogenic freezing chamber)  Let’s see, what have I missed in the past year?  What th-  I leave you people alone for 12 months and this is what I come back to?

The gulf has turned into oil, a Dances With Wolves remake topped Titanic’s box office numbers, and a Madonna-ish he/she is singing about poker faces?  Are you sure I only slept for a year??  To quote Marty McFly, this is heavy.  Who’s the president, a black guy?  OH…MY….GOD.

Okay well, technically I was wide awake and blogging for election ’08 but still, there have been quite a few significant changes in the world since I last blogged.  I have a lot of catching up to do.

Any old business?  Let’s start with a clean up…(deletes a ton of old posts that are no good)…there, that’s better.  Breathe in that clean, fresh air.  No need for a ton of stale posts stinking up the joint.  I kept some of my favorites.  Now, on to new business.

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How’s that going to fit in my pocket?  Are pants pockets bigger in the future?  Ohhh, it’s supposed to be like a laptop.  But there’s no keyboard.  And really no way for me to see it while I’m typing because it lays flat.  So…it’s not like a laptop at all then.  It’s more like a….well, a really big ipod.  Hmm.  I think I want one.  I’m not really sure why but I think I have to have it (clicks “add to cart”).  No.  Must…wait…til…next…generation…It will be worth the wait, I just know it!  Sigh (clicks “remove from cart”).  ipad 2nd gen will have a camera.  I just know it.

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How come when I get a care package I only get *one* but that guy gets like, FOUR?  That’s not very fair.  Cheaters.  I wish I wouldn’t have entered prestige mode.  I miss my AK.  And I DESPISE heartbeat sensors and noob tubes!  They should make some types of gameplay that nix of that kind of stuff.  If you’re so retarded that the only kills you can get are from a grenade that you automatically dropped after I SHOT YOU IN THE FACE, then you’re pathetic.  You don’t even deserve to hold a grenade.

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Hello Robert Downey, Jr.  All cleaned up now?  Good!  Welcome back to acting, Hollywood missed you.  Ha, wouldn’t it be funny if you got cast as characters with drinking or drug abuse problems?  What’s that?  Oh.  My bad.  I didn’t realize that your last two roles were Tony Stark and Sherlock Holmes.  Don’t feel bad…according to Wikipedia, the mind-altering narcotics that Holmes was known for were legal substances in 19th century England.  And Stark’s a very collected drinker.  He doesn’t get drunk and make an ass out of himself…what’s that?  Oh.  I guess he does in part two, huh?  Didn’t realize.  At any rate, it’s great to have you back.

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Justin Bieber:  stop, man.  Just stop.

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In short, my dear fans, I have loved every minute of my hiatus, however,  I’ve missed you all dearly.  I’ve missed writing.  I’ve missed the level of responsibility that comes from forcing myself to watch things like Giant Octopus vs Mega Shark for the sole purpose of saying that I saw it and being able to discuss it.

There will always be some new or old piece of pop culture on which to wax philosophical.  I’m here to stay.  Don’t everybody thank me at once.

-T. Ham

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